Confessions of Georgia Nicolson
by WriterInTheMaking101
Summary: Set after the 7th book. Full of huge knickers, snogging and genreal life in Loonville. Rated K , for snoggosity and some possible language. Sorry for the vair unoriginal title, I can't think of anything else!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all! I am a huge-imosso fan of the Georgia Nicolson books and find them to be the funniest books I've ever read. It's only just occured to me that there would be fan fiction about them. This is set after Love is Many Trousered Thing but I must explain something. It has been a long time since I've read the book and I sort of forget what happened. All I remember is Georgia was suddenly faced with three possible boyfriends; Dave the Laugh, Masimo and ** Robbie. For all I know, by the end of LIAMTT, Georgia could be going out with one of those three. But I am pretending that by the end of the 7th book she has yet to choose a boyfriend and that the summer holidays are just about to begin. I am going to read the 7th book again soon but it is currently checked out at the library. So forgive me for any mistakes I make with the time line etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own a single thing.

A Note from Georgia

Hello mes petites idiots. I mean this with the uttermost love, affection, adoration etc. etc. My apologies but you would most likely call people idiots if someone (i.e. the general population) has informed me that you OFTEN WONDER ABOUT THE MEANING OF THE WORD SNOGGING. Yes, I tell you. This is true.

Alrighty, let me flip through the maze that is my mind and see what sentances I have used with the word snogging in them. Ho hum pig's bum I an unable to find any. But let's take one I probably use often. "The Sex God snogged me to within an inch of my life." Let us think about this logically (hahahahah vair funny coming from me.) The Sex God is Robbie, who is my boyfriend. When we snog, what in the name of Jas' Giant Pantaloons did you think we were doing? Did you think the Sex God was perhaps teaching me the ways of people from Hamburger-a-gogo land? Or that maybe we were doing voo doo rituals to cast evil spells on Wet Lindsay?

Ho ho I wish we were. But the point is, snogging means kiss. 'Making out' as you Americans apparantly call it. My mad Mutti often says "How did you make out at school love?" You poor Americans. You must be scarred for life if your parents are always asking how you made out at school.

So that is just something I felt needed clearing up. Oh ho once again I have included a first rate translation type thingeymeding at the back of my new lurrvely diary for all you deprived English speaking type chaps.

Lots of luurve,

Georgia

July 1st

As it is almost the end of my dreadful hellhole-ish school term Slim has given us another one of her grand lectures. "Girls," She bellowed, her chins going utterly jelloid. "Ladies, settle down, settle down." She went on like this for about thirty eight years before she stopped. It was a pity really, I was falling asleep to her little tune of "settle down ladies, please settle down." Quite relaxing. Especially when you live in a mad loon-filled place such as I do. Last night Libby burst into my room at about two in the morning bellowing random things at the top of her little lungs.

"Tosser Gingey! TOOSSERR!!! AnGUUS! SEX BUM Gingey SEEEX BUUUM!"

I tried to awaken my dear Mutti and Vati to inform them that their youngest offspring officially speaks the language of porn but they would have nothing to do with me at such late hours in the night.

Anyway. It was quite rude of Ms. Jelloid Chins to deprive me of much needed sleep so what happened next was really bound to happen. I felt a burst of energenosity come along. I bounced my knees around and tapped my feet quite happily as two happy things for a few seconds but I soon grew bored. "Pst Jas," I stage whispered (I am a master at stage whispering.) "Jas oh pally poo. I know you hear me." Jas was ignorez vous-ing me so I had to use some more strict terms.

I poked her vair hard in the back. She nearly had a mad dither spaz. "What?"

"Hello pally wally. I am bored to le death. What shall we do? I feel a bout of disco inferno coming on and have tried to prevent it by doing a knee dance but it is not fufilling my needs. What do you suggest we do?"

Jas glared at me like two mad glaring things. Then I did a rather brilliantomossio thing by falling back into my chair and pretend Jas' evil glaring had killed me. Hahaha how I amuse myself. Slim got vair vair mad though. "Georgia Nicolson?"

"Hello," I said pleasantly.

"What do you think you're doing? Have you no respect for anyone?"

"Yes I have buckets of respect, for the entire nation. But my pal Jas here has just given me the glare of death and has forced me to tumble over into a pile of nothingness." I did a sad face in hopes I would tug at Slim's heart strings. I should have known by now that whatever heart strings Slim had were long ago broken off by too many cheeseburgers.

Anyway, the short and short of it is that I now have three days detention. Jas gets none. That is the way of le monde, as you will see. Although Slim is as dim as a very dim thing, she is apparantly becoming less dim because she called up mes parents and told them I had detention. Where normally I would just tell them I was staying late at Jas's house. They were unhappyily under the moon.

"Georgia Nicolson what do you think you're doing?" It sounded like Slim all over again. "Why can't you just be half normal for once?"

Cheers Vati. This coming from a man who is most likely a transvesite and Loon of all Loons, with his clown car and mustache.

8:39

I have three gorgeousimissio boys to choose from. All three are practically Sex Gods and would win an Olympic Sex God Event, if there were such a thing. Perhaps I should invent one. Anyway. Here are my three boys, which are causing me to be on the rack of lurve.

Dave the Laugh

Robbie, the first and true Sex God

Masimo who is vair vair Sex Godly.

I suppose I should be full of wisdomosity and try to be logical. I have been struck with a brilliant idea. I shall make a list. Hoho how I am smart. If only Slim could see me now.

Robbie: Will one day become a world famous pop star (probably anyway.) Is an uber Sex God and gives me the Call of the Horn when I see him. Is an excellent person and I am usually able to ignore the fact that he once dated Wet Lindsay. Is a vair excellentomundo singer and makes me swoon like my Muti at Dr. Gillhooley.

Dave the Laugh: Poor Dave. People only ever call him Dave the Laugh. I wonder what would happen if Dave suddenly got very depressed and serious. People could hardly call him Dave the Laugh. Perhaps they would have to call him Dave the Unlaugh. Or plain Dave. Anyway. Is an excellent nip libbler and my besty boy friend. Which would make it weird if we broke up but Hell's Bells we have split up as much as two celebrity couples who split up lots so I suppose it couldn't get any stranger. Is a good laugh, obviously.

Masimo: Oh Masimo. Is foreign and therefore already vair desirable. Is about as good looking as two greatly good looking things. Gives me the Call of the Horn as well. Is also a first rate singer and could sing the pants off a.. person who sings with their pants on. Masimo is very kind, considerate etc. as are most foreign people.. or so I imagine them to be.

I bet call-me-Arnold would say "Ask yourself what would Jesus do?" I don't think Jesus would go out with three gorgy boys for starters. So thanks a lot Arnold, that was vair helpful. Not.

But, being serious here it is a hard choice to make. I have got three lovely boys in front of me. All of them are practically screaming, "Pick me Oh Gorgeous One." I bet in the ancient years of my Mutti and Vati, everyone just went around dating everyone. You could probably have seven hundred different boyfriends at once. Perhaps I will join up to become a.. whatsit. Pyligmist. Only instead of all the men going around havivng buckets of wives, I would have tons of boyfriends. That would be le dream. And as soon as I got tired of one I would just say, "Oi you get lost." And instead of being down in the lurve dumps for ages, I would just turn to another gorgeous boyfriend and call, "Oi you get over here!" Hoho I quite fancy that idea. I shall call up my besty pall Jas and see what she thinks of this marvy idea.

9:25

Rang Jas. Her mum answered the phone. "Hello, may I speak with Jas?"

"Georgia?"

No, I thought, it is the Prime Minister calling wishing to borrow some of your cheese. "Yes, it is I Georgia."

"Hang on a second, I'll get Jas for you. JAAS!" Her mother absoloutely bellowed.

"Hello. Georgia?"

"Yes."

"Hi."

"Bonjour mon petite idiot who gives me le glare and also le detention."

"That wasn't my fault. You shouldn't have fallen back in the first place, you know what Slim's like."

"I am going to pretend I have not heard you and will proceed on with the conversation."

"I'm just trying to help you Gee!"

"Well don't."

It was vair silent. "Jas?"

"Yes?"

"What in the name of your giant knicker's are you doing? Shaving your legs perhaps?"

"No. I'm not helping you."

She is absolutely and utter-omundo bonkers. She is more bonkers than my entire Loon filled house combined. "I have been struck with a flash of genuis my dear Jas."

"Hm. That's nice."

"It is actually. You are aware of my problemo with the Sex Gods?"

There was a silence in which Jas hummed a strange tune. "I think I've heard you mention it a few times," she said.

"Harhar you crack me up Jaso. But I know what I shall do. I will become a plygimist and have boyfriends coming out my shower hose!"

"Why would you want that?" Jas asked in a very confused voice.

"Want what?" I sniped.

"Boys coming out of your shower hose. That would be quite unforunate while you were showering and whatnot."

"Jas it is a metaphor whatsit. I don't really want boys coming out of my shower hose. But I shall have all three Sex Gods as boyfriends and when they find out I shall just cry hoho boys I am a plygimist argue with that!"

"And then what do you expect them to do? Scurry back up your shower hose and say, Lovely Georgia!"

Jas frightens me sometimes. She honestly does.

July 3rd

6:43

My detentions have been utter crap. Why can't my school just be normal and make me sit in a room with the Bummer twins and do homework? But no I am forced to help Elvis clean the bloody toilets. Elvis has a mega-grudge against me and is probably counting down the days till I graduate. I tried to tell Slim that it is utter child abuse but she would have none of it. I wonder if I could call a hotline.

I am currently at my kitchen table, trying desperately to get Libby into her pajamas. My Loon parents are out for the night, down at the bar with Uncle Eddie. Libby is pretending she is a donkey and is hee-hawing all over the place. Why couldn't she be like a normal child and play at being a ballerina or a cat? "Libbs look. Your jimjams are lovely."

"Donkeys don't HEE HAAAW wear jimjams HEEE Gingey HAAAW."

"Well you are a very special donkey."

"Nooo HEEHAWAHAHAH." She said like a mad thing.

I am surprised I have lasted this long in a house like this.

7:50

Victory. Forty million years later, I managed to lure Libby into her jimjams by putting 'donkey' treats from the kitchen to her bedroom. The donkey treats are in fact raisins, but as she is Libby, she was quite content to believe she was a real donkey, eating real donkey treats. I was sitting happily on the couch eating a Jammy Dodger when the doorbell rang. I was deciding that I would just pretend no one was home but I heard a voice calling that sounded eerily like the Sex God. "Georgie? Are you home?"

"Yees. Who is it?" I asked, the picture of glaciosity.

"It is Robbie."

"Oh. Robbie! Come in!" I was so flustered I couldn't even remember that I had no lippy or mascara on, it having all run off during my mad chase after Libby and my little dinner of Jammy Dodgers. The door opened and there was his Sex God in full Sex God-liness. "Phwoar." Ohmygod. I am a perv on wheels, going Phwoar to the first boy I see.

"Why hello little gorgeous. Look I've been wanting to come around for ages but I was afraid that I might walk in and see you with.."

"Dave the Laugh?"

"Yes. Or Mamiso."

"Well no worries there!" I smacked him harder than I meant to on the back and he looked slightly pained.

"So you're not.."

"Seeing anyone? No. No I am not. I am going to though, as soon as I make up my mind. I was going to flip a coin but there are three of you and two side to a coin.. they should have a three sided coin." I trilled. Shut up brain!

"Yes well that would certainly make things easier. But I was just hoping that you might have made your mind up by now?"

"Not not yet. I'm sorry Robbie. I really am, I want to choose but I just don't know which one of you to choose."

"Maybe this will help you make up your mind." And he leaned in and kissed me (!!!!!!) There was a slight draw back to this because at that very moment Libby threw herself at Robbie.

"TOOSSER!! DON'T EAT MY GINGEY!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, violently pounding Robbie in the chest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, even if it was only 2 I really appreciate it! **

**de: I'm so happy you like it:D I'm glad that you find it funny, I wasn't sure if it was or not.**

**SnoglessinBranson: haha yeah I thought the shower hose was something Georgia might bring up and then something that Jas couldn't wrap her head around. Glad you liked the last bit with Libby, I love writing her character. **

Disclaimer: I sadly, do not own anything.

8:09

On the phone with Jas. "So he snogged you?" She asked slowly for what was only the ninety thousandth time.

"Yes Jas. He said well maybe this will help you make up your mind and he leaned in and snogged me."

"At which point Libby had a mad spaz and attacked Robbie?"

"Yes. She called him a tosser and told him to stop eating me." Jas about pissed herself laughing. "Jas it was vair unamusing. Poor Robbie looked like he was going to drop dead."

"What did he do? After Libby.. y'know."

"He told her that I had a piece of gum in my mouth and he was helping me get it out."

"Oh God. The Sex God is astonishingly dim Gee. Tom's little cousin once caught us snogging."

"And what did he do Mrs. Big Knicker."

"He gave her five pounds not to tell."

"Humph.. Tom is un genuis."

I should have thought to give Libby money but as she is Libby she would probably try to eat it. I just hope she doesn't tell Mum or Dad. They will go absoloutely first rate insane if they think I snogged a boy while I was supposed to be watching Libby. "What do you think it means oh Wise One?" I asked Jas.

"What? Tom being a genuis? Well I suppose he just got lucky when the genetics were.. erm.. forming."

"No you idiot. Robbie snogging me."

"Oh. Well I suppose he likes you."

Poor Jas. Libby is probably smarter than Jas and that is saying quite a lot.

July 4th

At break I gathered the Ace Gang and told them my somewhat fabbity news. "Was it a.. good snog?" Rosie asked.

"Yes. Vair good. A bit of nip libbling and so on but it only lasted about four seconds before Libby attacked him."

"Poor Robbie. So does that.. erm.. does it mean that.. you.. erm. Have chose Robbie instead of.. ermm... Dave?"

"I do not know yet. It's not as if I hollered OH SEX GOD SNOG ME! He just did it. But it was very fabby and such. But Dave the Laugh and Mamiso are two very good piecs of cheese if you get what I am saying." I did not get what I was saying but was alarmed to see everyone nodding along like two things in a Understanding Nodding Shop. "I made a list."

"Yes?" They all said.

"Well it did not work because when I made the list I was expecting that one of them would come out top in looks or snogging ability.. or personality I suppose. But all of them are equally wonderful. Which is a pity." I never thought I would live to see the day when I thought having three fabby boys wanting to snog me would be a pity. The Ace Gang all nodded. "Do any of you have suggestions?"

"You should flip a coin," Jools suggested.

"Oh Jools. I have thought of that mon cherie, but a coin has two sides."

"Well eliminate one of them and then flip a coin."

"We'll have a vote," Jas Ms. 'Council type person' said. "Everyone who thinks Georgia should go out Mamiso raise their hands."

Everyone raised their hands. Well ho ho this is just a laugh and a half.

"All those in favor of The Sex God raise their hands." Everyone put their hands up.

"Now all those in favor or Dave the Laugh say phwoar."

"Phwoar," said about seventy million people.

"Well you lot are astonishingly unhelpful."

RE

Poor Mrs. Wilson. You would think she'd realize as there are only two days of Statlag 14 left, that there is no teaching us anything. She also wears cardigans and shuts the windows. Either that or she is wearing teensy tiny t-shirts and shorts that barely cover her vair flappy thighs. She looks like a bird with legs every time she walks around, her thighs going flappy flappity flop. It is actually quite amusing, especially because when it's silent (which is never but while we are doing our disco dancing par example) all you hear is her flapping thighs. Hahahahaha flapping thighs.

Anyway. Today Rosie and Jools are palying Tic Tac Toe which is beneath the maturiosity of the other members of the Ace Gang. "Mrs. Wilson?" I asked.

She looked like she might have a nervy b. the way she normally does when I ask a question. "Yes Georgia?"

"Do you think Jesus was gay? I know he hung around with that prostitue but when we watched Christly Star or something of that nature the other day and him and that one Deciple seem to have the hots for each other." In truth I do not have the slightest notion that Jesus was/is gay, but it is always a laugh and a half to see Mrs. Wilson get all squirmy knickers.

"Well Georgia that is an.. interesting question perhaps if we.. erm.. studied the bible we could.. hum.. perhaps. You know. Come to a conclusion but I suppose it erm.. depends of what you believe. Yes." She nodded like a nodding thing. She sounded very much like Ellen.

"Gee thanks Mrs. Wilson. That really cleared things up for me." Poor Mrs. Wilson thought I was being serious and beamed with beamosity.

I am still trying to decide between Robbie, Dave or Mamiso. It really is a pickle with pickles on the side. They are all gorgey and fabbity fab fab. If Dave the Laugh was not one of these three boys I could call him up as he is my Hornmeister Extrodarnaire. Hahaha I should ask Mrs. Wilson if she has ever been on the rack of lurve before. "Mrs. Wilson?" I asked, waving my hand around like mad.

She stared out the window for a few momentos. How rude. "Mrs. Wilsoooon. It is I, Georgia Nicolson, your student."

"Oh. Yes?" She said, trying to look surprised.

"Have you ever been on the rack of luurve and had to choose between boys that are all fabby and you are so fab they all want you like mad but you don't know which one to choose?"

Then she said the most mad-o, bizzario thing that made Mabs just about piss herself laughing. "Georgia, are you looking for a pet dog? I know how difficult that can be.. I've got some great books on it actually, I'm sure they could be of great help."

I am surrounded by mad Loons from Loontown.

Home (a.k.a. Loon Central)

I got home in a burst of niceness however my mood drained down when I saw my mum in the living room, on a red excersise ball. "Mutti," I said tres kindly, "I am practically an adulthood and this kind of scarring imagery will most likely stunt my growth for years to come." I said this as she was wearing some strange kind of bathing suit thing, her nunga-nunga's having a little dance as she chucked herself around the room, trying to hold onto the ball.

"Shutup," She said. Oh great Mutti. Love you too. Libby entered the living room at that moment, pulling her little 'fwend' Josh by his hair.

"GINGEY!" She exclaimed. "Josh, look. Gingey is home."

He looked up at me, his eyes pleading 'Get me out of this Loon Filled place.' "Libbs, don't pull Josh by his hair."

"He likes it. Riight Josh?" She gave him a big scary smile that read Agree or Die.

"Humpha." John groaned.

"Libby, it hurts Josh. How would you like it if he pulled your hair?"

Libby looked frighteningly happy at this though. "JOSH!!! PULL SEX BUM'S HAIR!" She yelled. Oh poor Josh. And poor me. Perhaps I should just go out with Josh. He seems to agree to everything one tells him because he took Libby's hair but really gently, and began pulling her (vair gently, once again) but Libby had a mad dither spaz so it soon happened that Libby was pulling Josh, even if he was holding onto her hair.

9:30

Tucked up in bed nice and early. Libby is in with me now, with scuba dicing Barbie, Pantalizer, an egg and God knows what else. "Heggo Gingey. I love you Ginger." She said, all sweet and snuggly.

"I love you too Libbs."

"Guess what Ginger?" Libby said, stroking my cheek.

"What pet?"

"I lobe Josh more than you."

Cheers Libby.

July 6th, bedroom 7:48

Hurrah, yay, celebration etc. etc. Today is the last day of Statlag 14 and we are free to go for two and a half months. If summer hols did not exist, I would probably go off the bend and kill myself. No one would notice, except maybe Angus when he was not fed. I am the only one who cares about the poor cat. My Vati probably secretly wants him dead and my Mutti often whacks him with her brush. Poor cat, even though he is totally demented, I do love him.

But apart from that no one would notice if I was gone. Perhaps my mad parents would come into my room and see my body and think, "Oh dear we should have let Georgia have whatever she wanted," and maybe Slim would come to my funeral and say, "This is horrible, I should have been nicer to Georgia," etc. etc. I should, just for a laugh, pretend I am dead and see what my reaction is. I could tell Jas my marvy plan and she could come to school and tell everyone I had died.

The difficult knobby bit would be when I showed up at school a few days later. Perhaps I could say, "Hello chums I have risen from the dead, I am a miracle, worship me. etc. etc." with a hint of more modesioty.

Four minutes later, downstairs

"Mum?" I asked as my mum danced around the room like the loon she is.

"Yes."

"What you do if I left?"

"How soon are you leaving?" My tres un-amusant Vati asked.

"Harhar very funny Vatti. If I died, what would you do?"

"Well for one thing my phone bill would go down about four thousand pounds."

You can see that I would be greatly un-missed. Libby would miss me though. "Libbs?" She lifted her head from her coloring book and growled at me. "Libbs what would you do if Ginger left?"

"Hahahahahaha.. yayyyyyyyayayayaya. Food!" She cackled like an utter mad thing on mad tablets.

Poo and double merdre. It is plain I would not be missed.

At Statlag 14

"Helloo Jas my great pallo!" I proclaimed with joy. I had been late for school as I was in depression for being un-missed by my family if I hypothetically died. "Where to-eth?"

Just then Nauseating P. Green approached us with a tin of cupcakes. "Hello Georgia.. I made some cupcakes, since it's the last day of school. They're chocolate flavoured.. would you like one?"

They looked like utter crap but I took one. "I hope you like them... I followed my mum's special recipe.. I made them for all my best pals. You are one of them."

I was un-surprised to see there were about three cupcakes in the whole tin. I smiled in a jovial way and the moment Nauseating P. Green turned away I dropped her cupcake. "Oh P. Green, Gee has dropped-" Jas was calling out but I stamped on her toe and she stopped. She looked vair surprised. "Why did you do that?"

"Because P. Green's cupcakes are erlack a pongoes and the last thing I want is another one. So Jaso what are you doing for les summer hols?"

Jas looked at me because she is not doing anything for les summer hols. Neither am I, because my Mutti and Vati are très poor (ish) and would probably rather die then spend money on a proper vacation. However, given the utter madnosity of my family, it will not be a great loss to not have to go on a trip with them.


	3. Chapter 3

Assembly

Another horrible assembly with Slim as our loon leader. "Girls, today is the last day at school for many of you. Next year, a new group of you will be leaving this school. Everyone has to leave eventually. For some of you, this day may seem a speck in the horizon. For others, this day is fast approaching. I know today no one is thinking about the start of term in September. But I, along with the other faculty members are, thinking about this day...' And then she dithered off into ditherland talking about God knows what.

The nub and gist of it is that next year we are going to have to become a 'stronger team' because Slim feels that we have not had a 'good year' this term. Well what would ever give you that idea old Slimmy?

I have come to a decision (ish) when it comes to my love life. I am going to date all three boys at once. Only not like a pylimigy whatsit. I will tell them I am dating all three of them and I'll come do my decision at some point in the near future. I am brilliant genuisio.

Herr Kaymer's class

"So you are going to three time?" Jas asked me.

"No you idiot. I am going to.. date all three boys at once. But it won't be three timing because they will be aware of this."

"So you are publicly three timing?" Jas tutted like a tutting thing. She drives me bonkers.

"Nooooo.." I said in desparados. "No, no and thrice no."

She just laughed. "Whatever you say Three Timey."

Humph.

Home

They.

Are.

Mad.

My utterly mad Vati wants us to go on a vacation to Eh-Leafy-a-gogo land (Canada.) I came in my bag weighing about seventy four million pounds with paper, garbage etc. "Hello mad family!" I exclaimed.

"Georgia! You're home!"

"Yes, unfortunately I am."

"Your dad has has a brilliant idea."

"Oh no."

"We're going to take a vacation!"

Oh goody-osity, I thought. "Oh. To where?"

"Guess!"

"Hm... Paree?"

"No."

"I don't know. Tell me."

"Canada!"

Do you know where Canada is? Well I don't but I know what it is like. Full of ehness... and leafiness. And mad people who adore this sport called 'hockey.' And they also get about fifty million pounds of snow from November to March and then fifty thousand degrees of sun from April to October and then rain in between. It is the home of loons and my parents are kidnapping me on July 9th to stay there for two bloody weeks. I won't go. I utterly won't. I'll go on a hunger strike.

Just as soon as we have dinner because Mutti has bought this pizza that smells vair good. And dessert because for once in her life, she has also bought dessert (a scrumboe chocolate cake.) But after those two things, I won't eat until they say no to Eh-Leafnyess-a-gogo land. And that is a certain as a certain thing.

**4:56**

I have just thought of something. What if, while I'm gone all three of the Sex Gods decide they don't fancy me and they all start going out with other girls? What will I do then? I refuse to go out with a bloke from Eh-Leafy-a-gogo land. They are probably all missing teeth from playing hockey. Poo and double merdre.

I will phone my pally Jas and see what she thinks of this great abuse to children.

**4:57**

On the phone with Jas. "Hello Jas-o."

"Oh, it's you."

"Well please Jas, don't try to sound too enthusiastic, I wouldn't want you to strain yourself!"

"I shall try," Jas said, the picture of seriousness.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"No Jas, when I say guess what, you are not supposed to say what you are supposed to try and guess. So we'll start again."

"Guess what?"

"Wha- I mean.. has someone died?"

"No you idiot. No one has died. Although you may if you continue on like this," I had a little bit of a laughing spaz at my hilarious-nosity but managed to calm down before Jas hung up. "Guess again mon petit idiot."

"Erm... have you won the lottery?"

"No. The Mad Loons are kidnapping me and-"

"Oh dear.. would you like me to call a hotline for you?"

"JAS! They are not literally kidnapping me. They are going to Eh-Leafy-a-gogo land, other wise known as Canada and I am being forced to come with them."

"Canada?"

"Yes Jas. Canada."

"I think my aunt lived there once," Jas said in a Jas like fashion. "I hear they have lovely flowers and they're very peaceful and-"

"Jas. I don't care if they are peaceful or not. I don't want to go to Canada."

"Why not? I would like to go to Canada."

"Yes I know you would Jas. But I don't. So help me," I said, using my begging powers in a vair proper way.

"How?"

"Well what should I do so I don't have to go?"

"I don't know," Jas said after about 3 seconds of what clearly was vair hard thinking NOT.

"Jas you have been great help, I could not ask for better help."

"No problem Gee, I quite enjoyed it," she said cheerfully.

**Tea**

"Mum?" I asked, very helpfully cutting up Libby's pizza into little soilders (squares, but for whatever reason Libby thinks they are soilders.)

"Yes Georgia?"

"Why are we going to Canada.. why couldn't we go somewhere like.. Italy. Or Greece."

"Yes but I've already been to Italy, when I was your age and Greece when your dad and I got married."

You can see how generous my mum is by this conversation. "Yes Mum, but I have not."

"You'll enjoy Canada, Georgia. They have lovely weather, it's sunny all the time in the summer."

"Yes so I've heard.. so sunny in fact, that I will probably scorch to death. Most likely my skin will fall off and I'll die a horrible painful death. All alone. On my owney woney." I was about to go into a song and dance number when Vati inturrupted me vair rudely.

"Georgia, would you bloody shut up. You should be grateful you're even going anywhere.." and then he started off, you know 'when I was your age, my summer vacation was a trip to the second hand shop, all I ever ate was cardboard and shoes' etc. I had to force my eyes open.

"Vati, while the Ancient Times greatly interests me, I have just realized that I could quite care less," I said, beaming in a lovely fashion at Vati.

"You're bloody well lucky I never talked to my dad like that, I wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have me as a dad."

Oh dear what a pity that would be, I thought. But, never fear my dear chums, I have thought of a brillianto plano to save myself. That's what I usually have to do, is save myself, because people seem like they could really care less about me. So anyway, I shall simply not go!! I am brilliant. I'm the next Einstein whatsit.

In the meantime, I think I will call up Dave the Laugh and tell him my plan about me dating all three boys at once.

**6:32**

On the phone with Dave the Laugh. "Hello, this is I, Dave the Laugh king of all things, especially-"

"Dave," I said, "please shut up."

"Oh it's you, sex kitty! Well hello," Dave said pleasantly.

"Hi Dave-"

"Hi sex kitty. I feel like we have lived through this routine before. So how are you?"

"Bloody awful with knobs. I am being kidnapped to Canada and I shan't go, I just won't, I will tie myself to my bed post, but my mum is MAKING me go and already made me start packing and she utterly won't just-"

And do you know what Dave did? He was laughing at me! I suppose that is why they call him Dave the Laugh. "Dave," I said vair seriously. "This is not funny. It is illegal, did you know, to take someone of their own will into a new bloody country." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, this is not my marvy news, which was the reason I phoned you."

"Alright," Dave said. "What is your marvy news, sex kitty?"

"My marvy news is that I have come to a conclusion about what to do concerning you three lads." I felt like an old mad pot calling boys lads.

"And you have obviously chosen me, yes?" Dave said.

"No you utter poo. I have decided that I will date all three boys at once."

"Ah I see, you are three timing us."

"NO!" I yelled. "Sorry. That is what oh mad one Jas said. I am not three timing anyone because it is out in the open that I'm dating all three of you. And then once I have been on numerous dates with you I will be able to chose which one should be the one and true Sex God." I smiled with pleasure.

"Ah, right then. Good plan. I have a question for you then. I have found a slight flaw in your problem. What if you still want all three of us, after all these dates and such."

"My dear Dave the Laughy. Easy peasy lemon squeasy. Then I'll become a nun."

**8:56**

I have stuck my head in the uttermost polite way into my parent's bedroom and said, "Good evening Muti and Vati. I just thought I'd like to inform you that I will not be coming to the land of Leaves and such. I will be staying here to tend to the flowers."

"We haven't got any bloody flowers."

"Yes but we might. You never know when one might decide to spring up and need taken care of." This is true you know. I am sure there are many flowers who have been neglected over the centuries.

"Georgia, love, go to bed."

Pft. It was nine o'clock. On the first day of summer hols. "Just say the word and I'll be gone."

"What word?"

"You don't have to come to Canada."

"That is seven words Georgia."

They are hopeless, I swear. They should adopt Jas and her, the Loons and Libs can live in a house together and talk in mysterious tones and be loons in general. I'm sure they'd all get along nicely.


End file.
